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~ "You asked me my sign before you even asked me my name," I said.

"It's the most important thing about a person," she said.

"More important than their name?"

"Yes. It's the best way to learn something about someone."

"Well can't you learn something about me by standing here talking to me?"

"No," she said.

"Ohhhh kay."

"So anyway, what are you?"

"Guess."

"No, tell me."

"If there's anything to this, you should be able to guess," I said.

"Taurus!"

I opened my eyes wide. "That's amazing," I said. "How could you tell?"

"Whaaat, are you really a Taurus?" she said.

"Ummm... isn't it obvious?" I said. "So does this mean we're incredibly sexually compatible or something?"

She shook her head sadly. "No. I have to stay away from anyone who's a Taurus."

"What a shame."

~ I still get asked my sign three or four times a week at the Marquee. It makes me wish that people would develop slightly more advanced ideas about the forces governing human psychology.

For a while there I was getting pretty insulted: "Listen trixie, the stars don't determine my personality... I do."

But in the words of Elvis Costello, "I used to be disgusted, now I try to be amused."

~ After the show last night a chick hopped up onstage and started talking to anything with a penis. ("You look just like my friend Dave!")

When she got to me she started pulling the old "what's your sign" business.

"I'm a Sagittorpio," I said.

"What?"

"I'm a Librini," I said.

"Well when's your birthday?"

"April first," Adrian interjected.

"Yeah, that's right," I said. (God bless you Adrian).

"April first. So that makes you... wait... no tell me, what are you?"

"Guess."

"Scorpio!"

I opened my eyes wide. "That's amazing," I said. "How could you tell?"

"Oh, I know all about these things," she said. "I'm a Virgo."

I shook my head sadly. "That's too bad," I said. "All the Virgos I've met have been really mean people. Although they've also been super hot in bed."

"I'm a nice person," she said. Wriggle, wriggle.