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Sat in a booth at the Chinese restaurant. It was my great pleasure to get to watch her chow down on a hot and spicy spring roll.

I pulled her onto the seat beside me. "I want to go down on you," I said. Well, honesty is the best policy.

No server in sight, no one else sitting in our section, so... pulled up her sweater, bent over and started to run my tongue over her smooth, sexy stomach.

Whenever you crack a fortune cookie, always put the words "in bed" at the end of your fortune.

Her, just before I fell asleep: "My clit salutes you."

Me, just after I woke up: "Hi, fucky..."

Apparently at some point in the middle of the night, I rolled over and said "You're so fuckin' sexy."

Around four in the afternoon we were getting dressed and I slid my hand down between her legs to give her a little surprise. She said, "Cooch!" and then her eyebrows shot up in surprise and she fell over laughing.

So maybe some of you don't like the word "cunt" or maybe you don't like the word "twat" or whatever, but how can anyone not like the word "cooch." "Cooch" is a funny word. It's cute!

Listen up now. I want to speak to you all about an issue of great sexual importance. I'm talking about the rinsing of the noodle.

It says it right there on the condom box: "Pull out when you're done, being careful not to spill any of the precious man-batter. Then go wash off your noodle with soap and water."

If Mr. Trojan says so, then I guess he'd know so I always tried to follow these instructions religiously.

Sometimes however you find yourself entwined in your lady's arms and legs and it's a nice moment and you just don't feel like getting up to go rinse the noodle right away.

Sometimes also you have to stay in bed and make a phone call. "Hi honey... Sorry, I won't be home for supper, something just came up... What? You've laid out a nice spread for me? Well... I'll just have to warm it up when I get home... Yes, kiss kiss, I loveyoutoohoney goodbye."

But we're going to assume that you're a good boy and you've actually made it to the loo and you're ready to start rinsing. Here is where we run into one of the problems common to mankind.

Modern bathroom fixtures were obviously not designed to make it easy to wash just your private parts. In some bathrooms you can flop your schlong over into the sink. But a lot of the time, there will be some kind of sink-countertop deal and you'll find yourself running the tap and cupping your hands in a frustrating attempt to swish some water onto the family jewels.

This method is not very effective and it's impossible to avoid getting lots of water on the floor. I suppose you could just be merciless and splash water all over your crotch, and when you're done you could drop someone's towel on the floor and put your toe on it and mop things up a little bit that way.

You may be wondering, if it's so much trouble, why one doesn't just hop in the shower. The thing is, I do not want to wash the smell of sex off my body entirely.

I like smelling like my lady. I like smelling like us. Plus there's a finality to showering after sex, like you're washing off the residue of the act, so to speak. Having a shower makes more of a statement than saying "hey be right back, just going to the bathroom for a minute" so you can rinse off your damn noodle like the condom box tells you to.

You gotta make sure to rinse off your nuts off too while you're at it. Sweat, lube, semen, pussy juice make for a potent cocktail on the most sensitive skin on your body, and next thing you know you'll have a case of jock itch down there (also known as "batchy scrawls") and that's about as much fun as finding red ants in your picnic sandwich.

When I build my dream home, there are going to be urinals everywhere (why don't men put urinals in their homes? Makes no sense. It's the only way to piss really) and beside every urinal there's going to be sort of a urinal bidet, trademark of Philip Clark Enterprises, whose sole purpose is to facilitate the rinsing of the noodle. There'll even be a little soap dispenser at the top, in case you want to be all fancy and actually use soap when you wash your genitalia, which you should, even though it creates a whole other nuisance of making sure you've got the soap rinsed off too after you've finally got all that other stuff rinsed off.

In the meantime, the best solution you can hope for is that someone who lives at her place might have left a facecloth hanging up somewhere. Then you can grab it and give your noodle the scrubbing it deserves after a long hard session of making whoopee.

Anyways, in conclusion I'd just like to say hi, my name is Philip Clark and I just rubbed your washcloth all over my slippery cock and then I hung it right back up on the rack where I found it. Please think of me the next time you're washing your face. Xoxo.