"right now" is unnecessary, because "i'm" implies present tense.
"outside" is superfluous because yes, "outside" is generally where snow chooses to fall.
the present participle "falling" can be replaced with the present tense "falls" for greater immediacy. that is one more saved syllable that could be used to punch up the poem a little bit.
"slowly" is debatable as to its usefulness.
no qualms with the last line.
conclusion: you have earned ten spankings for every superfluous syllable. i hope you understand, darling, that it is only out of love that i correct you.
I smiled.
I wondered, with a bit of a twitter, how many girls might have thought you were talking about them.
Perhaps I was one of them.
Lucky, lucky Riles.
Sexy Lady
Comments
Very perspicacious of you. Are you sure you can't read minds?
Posted by: Anonymous | February 22, 2005 07:25 PM
touch hot winter flesh:
i can read your dirty mind
your goosebumps are braille
Posted by: phi. | February 22, 2005 10:56 PM
I'm naked right now,
snow falling outside slowly -
I'm sucking your cock.
Posted by: riles | February 22, 2005 11:20 PM
"right now" is unnecessary, because "i'm" implies present tense.
"outside" is superfluous because yes, "outside" is generally where snow chooses to fall.
the present participle "falling" can be replaced with the present tense "falls" for greater immediacy. that is one more saved syllable that could be used to punch up the poem a little bit.
"slowly" is debatable as to its usefulness.
no qualms with the last line.
conclusion: you have earned ten spankings for every superfluous syllable. i hope you understand, darling, that it is only out of love that i correct you.
p.s. i'll be over in 15 minutes.
Posted by: phi. | February 22, 2005 11:44 PM
I smiled.
I wondered, with a bit of a twitter, how many girls might have thought you were talking about them.
Perhaps I was one of them.
Lucky, lucky Riles.
Sexy Lady
Posted by: Anonymous | February 23, 2005 01:00 AM
I deserved it. Here's your revision, (with the most perfect last line intact).
Snow falls, I'm naked,
On my knees, hungry wet whore -
I'm sucking your cock.
And one more...
never cold with these
hot modern appliances
turn on your blender
Posted by: riles | February 23, 2005 01:56 PM
Is that really you Riley?
Posted by: Anonymous | February 25, 2005 05:02 PM
Yeah Riley... is that really you?
Posted by: phi. | February 27, 2005 09:10 PM