tuesday twins #3
I made a New Year's resolution. My goal for 2006 is to destabilize a thousand sexless marriages.
Let's say your man's sex drive seems to have vanished into the void. He's always too tired, too busy, too medicated, too stoned. You don't even like to bring it up anymore because it's just gotten embarrassing. The two of you used to hump like rabbits. So what could the problem be?
I'll tell you something. He's jerking off in the shower. Definitely. Or else in bed, or somewhere, sometime when you're not around.
Take it from me. I am male. The male sex drive does not just disappear like that.
The male sex drive is a curse. It is a constant, throbbing, painful urge that underlies every waking moment, every wretched aspect of our pathetic lives.
Maybe if a guy's got some kind of medical condition or something, I hear great gobs of Prozac can tame the beast to an extent, but otherwise you're going to have to face the fact.
Your man would rather come when he's alone than when he's with you.
From a guy's perspective, there's a lot to be said for jerking off. It's simple. Gets the job done. There are no complicated emotional obligations to anybody else.
And when a guy is alone, he can fantasize. He can picture himself having any kind of sex with anyone he wants. Sometimes that fake fantasy can be more stimulating than the familiar reality.
Look, it's not your fault, it's not his fault, it's not anybody's fault. It's not that you're not attractive either. It's familiarity. Your hot characteristics are not standing out, because he hasn't had anything lately to compare them to.
Except his fantasies. Which are, by definition, flawless.
If you really want to keep him, here's what to do. Tell him to go out and bang someone else. When he comes home I guarantee he'll be all over you. It'll be like the old days. The whole thing will reset itself. He'll be able to appreciate you again, for what you're not, as well as for what you are.
Maybe you should try banging someone else too. No point in being sneaky or deceitful. It's an honest physical need. You might arouse his competitive instinct.
Or alternatively, you could even... break up. Sure it's a pain in the ass to break up, you'd have to find a new place, new friends, you've got this comfortable and vaguely pleasant routine, but do you really want to settle? Especially when there are so many horny guys who would jump at the chance to bang the box right off you...
Yes, it is a pain in the ass to break up but if you get with the program now, you can get that awkward period of readjustment over with, get any emotional turmoil all sorted out, so that by the time summer rolls around, you will end up having the time of your life as a free woman and you'll be emailing me to say "Thank you Philip you were SO RIGHT" and attaching a lovely photo of your tits when you do so.
Which brings us to this week's picture.
This is a response to my post about nipple pinching. Wowee. I'm sure everyone can appreciate small perky nips, but there's really something to be said for a long erect nipple that feels like it's filling up your whole mouth.
Well guys (and gals), the owner of said nipple is a free woman and she is good to go. In her email she writes:
"When I read the part on your site about breakup day I laughed my ass off. The last three years of my SIX YEAR LIVE-IN relationship we had no sex at all. On very few occassions he would eat me out if I cajoled and bribed him and how fun is it to feel like someone's doing you a big fucking favor... The more time that passes and the more I get shagged the angrier I get about all the fucking sex I missed out on from 1999-2005."
I met her on nerve.com and am authorised to share a link to her profile in case you're interested in learning more.
xo philip.
--
postcript:
~ Don't bother commenting to tell me that you are a happily married couple who still get it on after all these years like a couple of teenagers on Viagra, we know people like you exist and we're happy for you.
~ If you're only staying together because of the kids then I have no advice for you. Other than, try to get the day off sometime and go bag the gardener.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have an altar shaped like a condom box, and I think I'm going to go kneel down in front of it and thank the gods of bachelorhood that my hallways do not resound with the pitter-patter of little dependents.
Comments
Dear Philip,
It's strange to read something you wrote posted on someone else’s blog.
Odd that it is weirder than seeing your own nipple posted on someone else’s blog.
I sound so ... angry. I want to explain that I had good reasons* for staying with aforementioned partner as long as I did and it's only NOW, in retrospect, in the hot and heavy midst of physical reminders of how much I love sex, that I am just a wee bitter.
And am now a relentless, mischievous, snarky, frikking slut. Beware the Pendulum Phenomenon.
(*great massages. Genius artist- drawing, printmaking, photography. Unlimited computer assistance and critical input on graduate school design projects. Extremely funny. A stand-up guy. Accompanied me amiably, supportively, and non-judgmentally on horrible missions - like visiting people I love in mental hospitals. We had a lot of friends we made together, almost without exception all other couples. The Smiling Aren't We Happy Couples Club can be hard to extricate from, especially in a small town. We made an outrageously bodacious garden together that was difficult to leave behind. Oh. And he loved me.)
Sex isn’t everything.
But, then again, it is.
Doesn’t paradox just rule???
A negotiation might have really done us both good. We doubtless could have benefited from having an open relationship sexually. And I have to concur with you on this one; ironically, I bet it would even have improved our sex life with each other as well.
That said, however:
Cum flow, consistency and flavor can be a real indicator for most men of masturbatory activity and I have reason to believe that in my personal case what you say here is not actually true. He wasn’t cheating on me and he wasn’t jerking off with any reasonable frequency.
“The male sex drive is a curse. It is a constant, throbbing, painful urge that underlies every waking moment, every wretched aspect of our pathetic lives.”
Maybe… but not all men have that high a drive. Because not all men have raging testosterone levels. No, really. Not all of them they don’t. You don’t believe me. Yet you enjoy the fruits of this reality because although I’m sure you are hot, the fact that you can, in theory anyway, get hard and fuck all night is a big attraction in and of itself. You might well be getting laid by some chicks for no other reason than your having a superhumanly enthusiastic and rigorous boner. Though I’m sure the sly grin doesn’t hurt.
On a serious note, erectile dysfunction is the first red flag for a variety of health problems.
Sorry about the length of this public service announcement but I think that this attitude REALLY screws some guys up.
You’re Joe and you don’t really get it up the way you used to anymore. You adapt, don’t think about sex as much, actually your drive has dipped as well. Funky Phil comes along blaring his "All Men are Major Fucking Machines and if you don't think so they are Lying to You" horn and where does that leave Joe? Joe figures he’s a pussy. Maybe he’s ashamed. Maybe he doesn’t want his girl to see that he can’t deliver the wood as reliably as he did when they met, so he avoids potential encounters. Furthermore, he can’t figure out how to talk about it with his girl because this macho message is SO strong in our culture that it fucks with her head, too.
She’s thinking: boo hoo I’m fat he doesn’t love me gee maybe I should get a Brazilian or vaginoplasty or cut my hair or grow my hair or lift weights or stop lifting weights maybe I’m too toppy maybe I’m intimidating maybe I should be more demure then again maybe we need to explore s/m maybe I should just tie him up and take advantage of him damn that’s going to be hard to do, I mean, if he’s not hard and all…
And then HE starts thinking: Shit, no way am I going to get near her without her clothes on because if I don’t get hard she’s going to get all wiggy and flippy and insecure on me
Makes for a really great time in bed.
And Joe spends another few years without getting screened for cardiovascular disease, as he really ought to do, or smoking even more dope or drinking, which he shouldn’t because it only worsens the problem.
Yours,
NB
Posted by: Natalie Barney | January 18, 2006 05:28 PM
Wow, Nat. I was going to just leave a one-liner and you kicked my ass.
But props to you. It's not my nipple.
(so there's my one-liner).
Posted by: Catherine | January 18, 2006 07:04 PM
It's good to know I'm not alone. My hubby has a low sex drive and rarely masterbates, it's just not a part of his life. For years I felt guilty and ashamed for having a high sex drive. I thought it was a weakness. He feels guilty for having a low sex drive. I want so much more, an open relationship, to sleep with a women, swinging.
Posted by: Moselle | January 21, 2006 04:28 PM
sorry, I also wanted to say that it's not just men, these lines describe me perfectly.
"The male sex drive is a curse. It is a constant, throbbing, painful urge that underlies every waking moment, every wretched aspect of our pathetic lives.
Your man would rather come when he's alone than when he's with you.
And when a guy is alone, he can fantasize. He can picture himself having any kind of sex with anyone he wants. Sometimes that fake fantasy can be more stimulating than the familiar reality."
Posted by: Moselle | January 21, 2006 04:32 PM