just like heaven
I was raised in a Christian home and they taught me that if you obey the Bible, you get to go to Heaven when you die.
They told me that in Heaven, everyone will be given a perfect body. So I had this vision of Heaven as some kind of big Playboy mansion in the sky with all these beautiful people lolling about.
Except there's no sex in Heaven, which seems like a waste of a pile of perfect bodies.
There's no pants in Heaven either so don't bother trying to act all innocent. Everyone will be able to see the effect all these Playboy bunny-angels are having on your perfect cock.
Safe to say that at a certain point in my life, I started to have some serious philosophical issues with the Christian religion.
"So if you can't have sex, what do you do in Heaven all day?"
"There is no such thing as day or night in Heaven."
"...So what do you do in Heaven all eternity?"
"You glorify God."
"That's it?"
"Yes."
Hmmm.
Sorry homie, I think I might respectfully decline the invitation to this party.
There's something that really freaks me out about Heaven, and it can be summed up in two words: infant mortality.
It's not just that God is a smug bastard who causes beautiful innocent babies to die. It's the fact that these babies, being free of sin, all get a free ticket to Heaven. Every one of them.
Can you imagine showing up to the Afterlife and there's millions and millions of babies everywhere?
All of them gurgling and cooing and crawling all over you with their perfect little baby bodies.
This does not sound like my idea of a bachelor's paradise.
It gets worse. Some believers in Christianity are opposed to contraception because they believe it murders billions of tiny souls. "Every sperm is sacred" and so on.
Maybe it explains how the Pearly Gates got their name. Although "Pearly Floodgates" might be more appropriate. I've probably sent a few million souls up to the glorification of God myself. I've probably sent a few million up today.
"Welcome to Heaven. The good news is the streets are paved with gold. The bad news is, ALL THE STREETS ARE FLOODED WITH COME."
Belinda Carlisle sang that "Heaven is a place on earth." Belinda baby... I've got your Heaven right here.
Seriously, is there anyone out there whose idea of Heaven involves drowning in a puddle of come? --See me after the show. Thank you good night.
Comments
What a fascinating perspective.
Posted by: Kinky | April 20, 2006 07:45 PM
Hang on, it's even worse:
Mark 12:18-25:
Marriage at the Resurrection
18Then the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to him with a question. 19"Teacher," they said, "Moses wrote for us that if a man's brother dies and leaves a wife but no children, the man must marry the widow and have children for his brother. 20Now there were seven brothers. The first one married and died without leaving any children. 21The second one married the widow, but he also died, leaving no child. It was the same with the third. 22In fact, none of the seven left any children. Last of all, the woman died too. 23At the resurrection whose wife will she be, since the seven were married to her?"
24Jesus replied, "Are you not in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God? 25When the dead rise, they will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2012:18-25;&version=31;
Basically the verse is implying that there'll be no genitalia in heaven (probably like in Dogma). Will there be genitalia in hell? who knows, but since it's a place for eternal torment i'd say that sending people there without boy and girl bits is mostly a relief as these can't then be used to increase said torment.
I think i better use my boy bits as much as possible in life then ;)
Posted by: jherazob | April 21, 2006 09:54 AM
heh...boy bits :)
Posted by: dirtyalana | April 21, 2006 01:32 PM
You've typed up my problem with all that-exactly.
On the sicker side of things, if the streets of heaven are flooded with babies and come.... erm... baby bukkake? No thanks.
Posted by: Rachel | April 21, 2006 05:36 PM
So heaven would be like a bowl of cereal. But instead of frosted flakes you have babies, and instead of milk its ejaculate. It would look more like corn pops though, given those bulbous baby noggins.
-Plug
Posted by: Plug | April 27, 2006 01:58 PM
The bible says eyes have not seen nor have ears heard the things God has prepared for us. If God was good enough to invent sex and icecream and all these other good things don't you thing he has other better things in store. The trick is to live so you'll get there to see.
heaven bound
Posted by: Anonymous | September 2, 2006 05:07 PM
you are DISGUSTING!!! Get a life and get real. FIND SOMEONE TO TEACH YOU THE RIGHT THINGS ABOUT HEAVEN!!! Cause the alternative really bites!!
Posted by: Anonymous | December 30, 2006 12:33 PM
But would there be babies? Because if they weren't able to be baptized, they still had original sin, which would mean they're not good enough to go to heaven (because they're still living in sin). Hm. :)
Posted by: gretchen maria | July 5, 2008 06:50 PM